From the Desk of Mr. Chan: Cookie's Fortune

Hello Pen Pal! It like I not seen or talk to you in a while!

...

Sometime I cannot believe the questions I get. Don't get me wrong, I really like this town. But sometime I think people have severe brain probo. Like they born, but then suddenly coconut fall off the tree and bonk them on the soft part of their head before it can fully developed. It happens.

So today customer ask, how you make the fortune cookies?

I not really understanding what he trying to ask. But he pay me $5.95 for a plate of pepper beef so I think I should give him my full attention. (even though it was loose change rolled up in an old sandwich bag)

He ask, so do you bake them in an oven or something?

You kiddin me, right?

I say, I buy them wholesale.

He say, oh a friend told me that some Chinese restaurants make their own fortune cookies. I thought maybe you bake them in a big oven like Mrs. Fields.

I give him blank stare.

I say, Oh sure. I bake them. I also manufacture 3 Musketeers bars from a drum of petroleum oil in the back.

Then he look around like the wind is calling his name and walk away.

Now, stop right there. Don't make fun of him or feel sorry for him. He not a bad looking guy, so I pretty sure his fortune says he will have an easy life.

I tell you the truth, people can overlook stooby.

The man in the mirror,

Mr. Chan
Owner/Proprietor, Miss Fortune Chinese Fast Food

From the Desk of Mr. Chan: TEE BALL

Hallo shao-peng-you (little friends),

You know, I living in small town for a while now. And as small business owner, most important thing I learn is to give back to community...

So for people who don't know, Miss Fortune Chinese Fast Food has been sponsor for promising young Tee Ball team: THE MISS FORTUNETTES!

And BIG NEWS FLASH: Lady Luck on our side! We play in Championship Game!

Some other team get lice at school.

So today I take long lunch, put on team jersey and stop by game.

And you know wha?

WE LOSING. 4 to 0.

And I tell you the truth...I don't think my team know what's going on, mang.

So one of my kids go up. Lower half of face still caked with Sloppy Joe sauce from lunch.

He swinging and missing at ball for what feel like an hour.

Then he finally hit one but forget to run. Everyone screaming at him, RUN RUN! But the little turnip head just stand there like his mind have probo.

I losing face.

Okay then he start to run...the WRONG way!

YOU GODDA BE KIDDING ME. Now my face is completely missing from embarrassment.

Finally someone point him in right direction but forget to drop the bat! He taking out the shins of first base coach!

IT LIKE TOTAL 100% CONFUSION!

And it not just Sloppy Joe, everybody on Team Chan have same probo!

Oh I had enough.

I go down and talk to Coach: What going on? They not practice enough? They don't remember what to do? I know they 1st grade but this is simple like ABC 123's!

I think I really get under Sister Mary's skin, "Pipe down, Ichiro!"

So then I get very angry.

HEY MANG! I invest in championship team! I pay a lot of money! My reputation is on the line and you got them PLAYING LIKE A BUNCH OF STOOBIES!

I cannot take it anymore.

I quickly drive to Woolworth's and pick up some Ginkgo Biloba.

It help with memory. I take one every morning and I tell you the truth, it seem to work. I almost never forget where I park at airport.

So I thinking it should help with Tee Ball, right?

BINGO BANGO!

With combination of Ginkgo Biloba washed down with RC Cola (the official drink of Little League Baseball), kids remember everything they supposed to do!

We lead big comeback!

Crowd cheering! Everybody excited! They sound viking horn!

WE WIN! 5 to 4!

Oh mang I'm so proud, I take team to Shakey's!

We eat potato mojos and play Pole Position for hours! It like one of happiest days of my life!

During big celebration I get call from losing Coach...

He say you cheaters. Say something like athletic commission gonna investigate illegal substance use.

I say WELLLL!! THAT'S FINE...

But really...who eating SHAKEY'S and who crying like LITTLE BEBE?

NOT ME!!!

Love indubitably,

Mr. Chan
Owner/Proprietor, Miss Fortune Chinese Fast Food

From the Desk of Mr. Chan: IT A DOGGY DOG WORLD, MANG!

HALLO REGULAR READERS,

Today little boy come by and visit. He say "Mr. Chan! Mr. Chan! My mommy buy me puppy from pet store!"

I really not animal person, but I can see why people habby about this kind of thing.

He say, "I gonna feed it, love it, and we gonna be the best friends!"

I say, "That's nice. But whatever you do, don't let dog lick your face."

He give me strange look, like I have probo. He say all kids let dog lick face, this how they show they looove you. What the probo??

WELLLL!! Next week he come in.

Eyebrows missing. Eyelash missing. Hair falling out.

I say, "Why you no listen to me!"

He say, "Mr. Chan, I don't understand what's going on. Dog tongue suppose to be cleaner than human tongue."

I say, "DON'T YOU KNOW, MANG?? Dog mouth carry something some kind of chemical! I read in Chinese newspaper! How long he lick your face for?"

He say, "Everyday for 16 hours, usually with 5 minute breaks. And he sleep on the bed with me..."

I say, "YOU SEE!!! Now you better hope your eyebrows grow back! Or you never gonna find a wife!!"

Let this be a lesson to everyone out there. If you learn one thing from this story, let it be this:

Chinese newspaper NEVER wrong!!

PEACE-AH PEACE-AH,

Mr. Chan
Owner/Proprietor, Miss Fortune Chinese Fast Food

From the Desk of Mr. Chan: CHUMP CHANGE

HALLO AMIGOS!

You can't believe the probo I had today!

This guy come to counter today and order combo #1. I think, no big deal. People order combo #1 all the time. So I get him 2 scoops of cashew chicken, 1 egg roll, and a medium drink of his liking. $5.95, right?

He hand me $10, so I go to cash register and get change: $4.05. Then the darn guy tell me he give me $20 bill!

I say, you godda-be-kiddin-me! I know what you gave me, I've been the restaurant business for 15 years! You try to pull fast one on Mr. Chan!

Then the guy tell me, I gonna call better business bureau and report you!

That's when I lose my cool and say, better business bureau "YI GE PI!!!"

(very loosely translated means "horse shit")

Then I say, GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!!!

I know customer is always right, but C'MON MANG!!

I love you,

Mr. Chan
Owner/Proprietor, Miss Fortune Chinese Fast Food

From the Desk of Mr. Chan: EGG FOO DUNG

HALLO!

Today slimy young businessman come to counter and ask, do you have egg foo young? I say, no, sorry mang...

Then guy give me stink eye and say, this is a Chinese restaurant! How could you not have egg foo young?

I've been in restaurant business for 15 years and this guy get all up in my grill??

I say, HEY STOOBY! Egg foo young not even real Chinese food! Americans created egg foo young in lab along with the maraschino cherry back in 1930! Somebody play ha-ha joke on you!

So then the guy say, I don't care! Tell me where I can buy it!

I say, you want egg foo young? Go to Denny's, order a Denver omelet, and pour Thanksgiving gravy all over it.

Egg foo young YI GE PI!!!

Hugs and kisses,

Mr. Chan
Owner/Proprietor, Miss Fortune Chinese Fast Food

From the Desk of Mr. Chan: THE O.C. (ORANGE CHICKEN)

HALLO DUDERS!

Today American couple come in for dinner. I think they finish shopping or something...who know?

After they done eating, they say, Mr. Chan, Orange Chicken so delicious! What is your secret?

I say, WHAAA?

The woman say, what is your RECIPE? I want to make at home.

I say, who you think I am? BETTY CROCKER? I trying to run a business, mang!

I not gonna lie. I was a little grumpy.

Then the guy say, can we see the kitchen?

I say, what for??

I don't like people in my kitchen! But they just keep pushing!

He say, when we go to restaurant, chef always give us kitchen tour.

I say, THIS IS FAST FOOD KITCHEN!! You ask for kitchen tour when you go to ARBY'S??! FORGET ABOUT IT!!!

Then they leave.

Afterward I calm down and you know wha? I felt pretty bad.

Now and forever,

Mr. Chan
Owner/Proprietor, Miss Fortune Chinese Fast Food

From the Desk of Mr. Chan: THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE FALLING FOLLACLE

HALLO.

Today woman come in, ok?

She done eating. No more!

Then she comprain. She say she find hair in her food.

I look at her plate...

LONG BLONDE HAIR.

I looking at her head...

LONG BLONDE HAIR.

Then she say, I taking a bite and the hair go halfway down my throat! I had to pull it out! It was so gross!

Then she say, it must be come from your kitchen!

I thinking, who have long blonde hair? Everybody is Chinese, Pacific Islander, or Amigo!

You thinking SUZANNE SOMERS working back there??

But I try to calm down.

She say, I want my money back or I sue!

I say, you want money back? NO PROBO! I give money back! But let me try to understand:

You sitting there.

Hair falling down from your head.

And you want money back?

That is when her face get blood red. She say, you accuse me of something??

I say, take it easy, babycakes.

Then she say bad word and storm out the door.

Sometime I just don't know how much more I can take it.

Don't worry be happy,

Mr. Chan
Owner/Proprietor, Miss Fortune Chinese Fast Food

From the Desk of Mr. Chan: STOOBIES

HOWDY HOWDY!

There is a guy in my building I always see when I go to work. Every time I see him, I try to be polite and say hello.

So one day we are in elevator...

He say, I notice you always bow when you see me.

WHAT.

He say, I dig it. It is a sign of respect.

I let that simmer in my belly for 2 second, then I say, I DON'T BOW WHEN I SEE YOU!

He say, yes you do. You dip your head after you say hello.

OH I DIP MY HEAD??

That is when I really cannot take it!

I LIVING HERE FOR 15 YEARS! You think I'm shy fobby tourist asking white man to take photo??

Then he say, I did not mean to offend you.

I say, of course you offend me! You make stooby comment, you lucky I don't kick you!

Now every time I see him in elevator, he hangs his head down low and don't say nuthin...

Now he kowtow to ME!!!

Mr. Chan
Owner/Proprietor, Miss Fortune Chinese Fast Food

From the Desk of Mr. Chan: YOU GODDA-BE-KIDDIN-ME

HALLO.

Today customer say, I eat here all the time and the food is always delicious!

I say, oh thank you! You too kind! My favorite business is REPEAT business!

Then he say, you must eat good Chinese food all the time! Egg drop soup...fried wonton...sweet and sour pork...

YOU GODDA-BE-KIDDIN-ME.

I thinking, maybe you big STOOBY. Maybe I just keep quiet, be nice. But I cannot help it, you know me...

So I try to keep calm and explain difference between "American" Chinese food and "real" Chinese food.

I say, you go to Chili's but you don't eat Awesome Blossom at home!

He no get it. Whole time he give me blank stare.

But I cannot think of better example. So he ask, then what you eat for dinner then?

I say, sometime I cooking some vegetables.

He say, oh you mean Buddha's Delight?

I say, JUST VEGETABLES! NOT EVERYTHING HAVE FANCY NAME!

Then I say, sometime I cooking chicken.

He say, oh General Tso's Chicken?

I say, YOU KIDDIN ME? WHAT DID I JUST EXPLAIN?

Then he ask, do Chinese people eat fortune cookie for dessert?

...

That when I very politely tell him very I have headache, please go away.

Sometime STOOBY IS STOOBY, WHAT CAN YOU DO.

Mr. Chan
Owner/Proprietor, Miss Fortune Chinese Fast Food